It was a dark and stormy Wednesday, and I was all alone, working from home.
Well – not exactly alone. My cats were somewhere, doing their mysterious little cat things, and my Jack Russell and my Jack Shit were causing mayhem in the kitchen. From the sound of things, they were getting into the recycle. (Individually, they are sweet and well-behaved dogs – together, they are maniacs.)
A moment later, Thing One marched by me, carrying what appeared to be a piece of red and white paper in his mouth. He’d shred it and make a mess, but whatever it was appeared harmless – unlike, say, an empty cat food tin, which I would have to pry out of his mouth.
I’d get the broom later. I turned my focus back to the lease I was abstracting.
Thing Two soon followed, who also had a piece of red and white paper in his mouth. Thing Two strolled by super-slowly on his super-short legs, flicking his long tail about in the way that he does when he wants his Mama to notice he’s being naughty.
After the third very slow tail-flicking stroll-by I turned my attention away from the very fascinating ATM lease to take a closer look.
And saw they both had Burger King cups in their mouths!
My heart stopped.
Because, understand, I DON’T EAT FAST FOOD.
Maybe Taco Bell or Subway when I’m on the road.
But not fast food from burger joints! Not Burger King! Ewww!
And, I don’t let any of my friends bring non-veg food into the house – unless it’s to be eaten by one of the furbabies.
Which meant, SOMEONE HAD BEEN IN MY HOUSE EATING FAST FOOD!
Only a few people have, or might have, a key.
My partner – who is vegan.
My friends Carl and Jennifer, who have catsat. But they live in Indian Trail, and they’ve always been very supportive of my lifestyle and food choices. I couldn’t imagine they would drive all the way to Charlotte just to sneakily, snarkily eat burgers in my house.
My friend Rob, who has also catsat. But he’s a foodie, and lives only a few blocks from me. He’s a Navy veteran and the kind of manly man one imagines would have no problem eating in his car, or controlling his hunger for the extra minute it would take to get to his own home.
So – WHO?
My mind flashed back to every Netflix thriller I’d ever seen.
Had someone broken into my home, discovered there was nothing worth stealing, and so therefore just chilled and ate their fast food?
Or was someone LIVING IN MY ATTIC, spying on me through tiny holes in my ceiling or hidden cameras, coming downstairs just to dispose of their recyclables?
And if either option was true … WERE THEY STILL IN THE HOUSE?
All this flashed through my mind in a matter of seconds.
It was just an impossible situation.
And then I realized … “Impossible.”
Heh heh heh.
Yes, the perp was still in the house.
And she … was me.
Next up: Everything you need to know about the Burger King Impossible Whopper.